Nonviolent Communication — Needs and Feelings
Nonviolent Communication — Needs and Feelings
Nonviolent Communication Needs and Feelings Lists
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a method of communication that utilizes self awareness and the sharing of one’s feelings and needs to help resolve conflict, deepen relationships, and improve connection.
NVC teaches that feelings arise on the basis of a need being met or unmet. For example, if someone comes home to a messy kitchen and they feel frustration seeing this, their need for order and stability may not be met. On the other hand, if someone is feeling empowered and appreciative, their needs for reassurance and acceptance may have been met.
Excerpt from Steve Torma’s REAL Center NVC Course:
“When communicating through both honesty and empathy, the four components of classic NVC conversations are observations, feelings, needs, and requests. These components help us clearly communicate with others on how we can make each other’s lives more wonderful.”
Observations are something that can be recorded or photographed. Observations are most often confused with evaluations.
Feelings exist to tell us whether a need has been met or not. Feelings are most often confused with thoughts.
Needs are universal. That is, all human beings have the same needs even though we differ greatly in how we meet those needs. Needs are most often confused with strategies or requests. Everything we ever say or do is an attempt to meet our own needs. The only thing human beings are ever saying is “please” and “thank you.” “Please help me, I have a need,” and “Thank you for helping to meet my need.”
Feelings List
Below is a Feelings List that covers the range of what a person may be feeling in any moment as a result of a need being met or unmet. The Feelings List can be downloaded here.
Basic Human Needs List
Below is a list of Basic Human Needs. When a need is met or unmet, it results in a feeling that is listed above. The Basic Human Needs List can be downloaded here.
Below are more details about specific needs.
- Sustenance: This is our need for physical nourishment and well-being, our access to food, water and shelter. Sustenance is also necessary at an emotional level: the fundamental sense that we are seen, we are cared for and we matter.
- Safety/Security: This is about our physical and emotional security. When this need is met, we feel safe from harm or threat and can feel at ease. When we feel safe, we are free to be vulnerable and express ourselves without fear of being judged, criticized or abandoned.
- Love: This need speaks to our need for emotional closeness, care and affection. We might experience it as a sense of togetherness, warmth, tenderness, intimacy or passion.
- Understanding or empathy: This is our need to be seen, heard and understood at more than a superficial level. When this need is met, we feel validated; and without it, emotional intimacy is difficult to maintain.
- Creativity: This need encompasses our need for self-expression, exploration and innovation. It’s about individuality, non-conformity and imagination.
- Recreation: This is our need for relaxation, play and enjoyment. Taking time to have fun, unwind and get away from the pressures of work and responsibilities.
- Sense of belonging: This is our need to feel part of something bigger, a group or community where we are accepted and valued for who we are. Belonging is about our sense of place in society and feeling welcome.
- Autonomy: We have a strong need as humans for independence, freedom of choice and the ability to direct the course of our own lives.
- Purpose/Meaning: This need stems from our desire to live a purposeful and fulfilling life.
Nonviolent Communication in Practice
Once you have begun to practice being observant of your feelings and needs in everyday situations, you can begin to authentically and honestly communicate them. Below is a communication format that you can use to help express your needs and feelings to others in any given situation.
Resources and Opportunities to Learn Compassionate Communication:
The resources above are from me from Steve Torma and the REAL Center.
To read more about my own personal experience with NVC and how it has transformed my life and communication style, read My Experience with Nonviolent Communication (NVC) / Compassionate Communication
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life Book
Classes with Steve Torma offered both online and in person in Asheville, North Carolina.
The class is two hours, once a week for seven weeks. (Note: Although his classes are titled “REALationship,” the classes are basic NVC and are focused on all communication, not just relationships.)
