Compassionate Communication — Main Takeaways from Class

The following are my notes taken during Compassionate Communication/Nonviolent Communication (NVC) classes in 2022-2023.

These were my personal notes, never meant to be read by anyone else. I am very happy to share them with you. I have left them in their simplest form, as I wrote them on the blank pages in the back of my binder and on the margins of the workbook pages. I have edited them to the smallest degree possible, primarily to provide clarity for you.

These were some of the most poignant things I learned during that time. As I review them now, over two years later, I can see the clear themes of the lessons, the struggles I was having at the time and where my focus was within the class. My lessons were more far reaching than will be obvious in these notes. I have saved these notes for my own reference, as well as for your benefit.

I welcome you to read My Experience with Nonviolent Communication (NVC) / Compassionate Communication for a fuller grasp on this language of life.

NVC 101 First Class

No force outside of myself is the cause of my feelings.

Blame does not exist in reality. Only in our minds.

Gratitude is the “giraffe” fuel for life.

Choose to focus on life-serving thoughts versus life-alienating thoughts (p. 37 of 101)

Empathy feels real good. This can happen just by people “feeling heard and seen.”
If I want to create healing — show empathy. It is lacking in my relationships. Action: Have fewer relationships so I have more time for each relationship that I am in.

Empathy is what heals. Come into all conflicts with empathy. People want to feel seen/heard.

An enemy image is any thought other than, “What needs are they trying to meet and what feelings do they have?”

Connection before correction.

Ask in relationships often: “Is there anything you’ve been afraid to tell me?” “What needs are not being met to your satisfaction in our relationship?”

Celebration of life is one need that people feel is unmet with me. Practice this. (p. 92 of 101)

When people ask for something, it’s not a “no” that they feel bad about. It’s the perception that their needs don’t matter. So say “yes” in NVC to give a “no.”

True empathy is facilitated by being present. So empathy is a practice of presence. Be present with each other.

When people get the empathy they need, they no longer need an apology or revenge.

“Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.”

Whenever I think (“feel like”) “I did something wrong,” always remember that it is simply a need of theirs that was not met. Then focus on them and their need. In other words, go into empathy mode.

Fill my empathy tank, so I can enter society with empathy.

Going out there with an empty tank is one of my greatest sources of suffering (anxiety, overwhelm, overstimulation) which often leads to communication and relationship struggles.

Connection first. Focus on connection.

Study non-feelings: (p. 19 of 101) When I have the thought that someone is defensive, or dishonest.

The most liberating takeaway is that we have the power to change our filters and thus change our reality. We get to choose the meaning that we make of things.

There is no such thing as ugliness. No chunk of “ugly” can fall from the sky into our eyes. Ugliness is purely an internal perception. (A Steve Torma concept shared frequently.)

Awareness is noticing what you are doing as you are doing it.

Page 39 of 101: Our internal map of reality.

Empathy: It’s not important that you are right. It’s important that you are sincere.

Most common needs for people: to be heard, to be understood, empathy.

3 main ways to heal:
-Get enough empathy from the person who simulated the pain
-Someone role plays as the person you want empathy from
-From someone who is skilled enough to offer us a healing quality of empathy.

The perception that we are separate from the world is a root source of the destruction humanity imparts to Earth. Also, the idea that plants, animals, etc., are here for US.

I’m so grateful that I don’t want revenge on anyone.

From a Later Class

When others are speaking, don’t hear any criticism or blame. Instead, realize they have needs and focus on these needs.

Marshall says that the thing people want most is empathy. Give them empathy.

The more important a situation is, the more important it is to slow down the communication.

Unexpressed fear is usually interpreted as aggression. So, when I am concerned, express it.

Have criteria for if I’m going to discuss a conflict, trigger, trauma, etc.
Examples: Have a full tank, a good night’s rest, ample time, start unstressed, meditate for five minutes first.

A study shows that the optimal percent of your needs to be met from a primary partner is 25%. The expectation for more is a source of much suffering.

“Can you tell me anything I’ve said that has led you to feeling unsafe with me?”
A compassionate conversation starter to build back trust, especially needed with women who work with me.

“Breathe in what you don’t like. Breathe out what you want.”
Examples: anxiety/peace, tension/space
Breathe in the pain. Breathe out the love.

Connection before correction. Connection before education.

Practice the mourning process (p. 81 of 301)

Aim for a 5:1 ratio (minimum) of positive to negative interactions with anyone. (p. 43 of 101. “Take in the Good”) (focusing on what was going right and what there is to celebrate, rather than my critiques and criticisms.)

Every time I feel irritated or impatient, pause and relax. Perceive the irritation as a cue to practice mindfulness. Come up with a routine (p. 126 of 101)

Try to be more aware of what others around me are doing that enriches my life and hone my skills in expressing appreciation.
Don’t assume that others know I appreciate them. Express it.

Later Class

Steve said, in his opinion the number one cause of human suffering is the negativity bias.

NVC’s most important use may be in developing self-compassion.

Evaluate ourselves to create growth.

Goal: Act from a desire to contribute to life; never out of duty, obligation, “have to” or “should” (nor guilt or shame, but I already don’t act from that.)

Self judgments: We are not “good” or “bad.” Translate them to “met” and “unmet” needs.

Always be listening for others’ needs and feelings. Nothing else. Respond with these needs and feelings in mind.

“______ is a narcissist.”
There is no such thing as a narcissist. Instead, what needs are not met for me in their actions: compassionate communication, contribution, structure, harmony, honesty, to hear/to be heard, authenticity, equality.

I’m not seeing ______ as a full human and have enemy images of them.
Her needs not met: acknowledgement, equity, to be heard/understood, communication, celebration of life, contribution, growth (mine), making sense of life, peace, self-care, to matter, acceptance, attention, belonging.

Notes for going into a conversation with someone who is unhappy with me:
I didn’t do anything “wrong.” Just listen to their feelings and needs.

The best way that I can repair is to listen and empathize.

Take moments to pause and slow down/self empathize if needed.

The goal is not to “fix” someone. Just be present.

Only once they’ve had enough empathy from me, then come to myself. Far too much of these conversations with teammates have had an overbalance of me explaining myself, resulting in others not getting the empathy they need.

Remember, forgiveness happens when they truly feel the empathy.

Some Realizations:
I don’t really have the patience for people.
I often don’t want to chat/hang out with people, and that is often what they really want.
I often want my ‘alone time’ after being ‘on’ all day. I come home and just want to be alone, not talk, not listen, not entertain, not answer questions.
So, unless I am in a mental place where I have the space for all of this, the best thing is to be independent and not need other people.

I don’t have the communication skills to deal with someone who is operating from a place of hurt. I need to learn and take a break from family until I am more competent in this area.

I struggle when people disproportionately focus on the negative. I struggle to maintain inner peace, to be compassionate, to be in connection with them.